And The Choice

If there is one thought that keeps on boggling my mind these past few days was a very simple question, ‘are you happy’?

With the things going on in my life lately, that should have easily been answered by either a yes or a no. But what keeps me from answering it? Well, myself. I am too tired of being useless and helpless. I am too exposed to the world that it almost extracts everything from me. I do not even know what I am capable of doing because I haven’t done anything significant for a short period of time. Sometimes, I am numb. Sometimes, I feel so emotional. But there are also times when everything feels normal and back on track again, when? Whenever I talk to people close to my heart, I feel a sense of being and belonging; that I could do something for them in any way to serve them and the world we belong to; that I could express myself in the best possible way; that I could tell them everything. I guess the last one doesn’t always count.

I keep moments, fears, and thoughts to myself lately. I suddenly feel that there will come a time when we actually have no one to be with and nobody to talk to about matters of the heart per se. I don’t like being alone, but it is in this stillness that I can think about the world around me and if I actually matter to it. I do, well, I guess so. Inexplicable moments of fear make me drop down on my knees and just make a sentiment to hope that everything will turn out right. Not knowing what to do next is a bit of a challenge and a bit of mishap. I know that for a significant part of my life that I am capable of doing something, that in this life, I really have existed. But now, there is no moment for which I haven’t questioned who I really am. I hurdle people with my own problems, especially those who are close to me. When they do have problems, I come face to face with them and comfort them, give them the close-to-perfect advices suitable for their situation but those too, I cannot apply on my own life. I just know them in my head and tell them to people but I don’t specifically know how to use them. You know, that’s the problem, I know how to solve other peoples’ problems but I do not know how to solve mine.

I want to go out. I want to travel. I want to escape.                                           

Escape is a strong word. People use that word if they are much suffocated with the problems they are dealing with or if they are experiencing hard times. I want to escape, yes. Alone? Yes. With someone close to my heart? Maybe. I just want peace of mind. I just want to escape the world I am in now and maybe search for something better, where I can be myself and where I could grow as a better person. I still like long walks. You know, to see the world in its entirety, to feel the breeze as if I am taken in another dimension of time and space, to keep the adrenaline running through my veins in search of something I am not really familiar with. If escaping is an option, I guess, with the state of mind I have now, I will opt that. I want to clear my mind and be away from the mess I am in right now. I want to lessen my thoughts on giving up and thinking to stop whatever career I am headed to. I just want to pursue what I really want to do. I want to learn and keep learning. I want to write and make music. I want to make more papers and journals that I could share to the world and where they can cultivate something from it.

If there is one thing I want to do at this moment, I want to have one long walk alone. Maybe the world is not too rude for me to realize more of its beauty and bounty. Well, there is one simple thing left to do, answer the question, ‘are you happy?’ Maybe, I’ll still take baby steps to answer that question. Day after day, I’ll pile up the pieces of that puzzle and one day, I’ll be able to solve it easily.  

But there is a twist in every story, and mine is very essential to me. I talked to a person close to my heart and he assured me that everything will go fine and I should be strong, not only for me, but for us. In the previous paragraphs, I let my ego get in the way of my thinking and I should not have. Maybe, this is life. We easily say things we should not have said in the first place. We look for answers but there is really no question. We are eager to learn about everything, when we can only take so much for each day. Every waking day is a process of molding one’s being and perhaps, life gives way for our realizations time after time. This is the perfect moment to tell myself and somehow a little advice to everyone is to check on ourselves before we wreck it or in some sense be of any damage to it. I am lucky that someone had the guts to talk to me and make me realize at what point I have made a wrong choice and if there was really nothing to worry about, then stop freaking and worrying about nothing.

Perspective. Making decisions are, most of the time, derived from a perspective. The choices we make certainly defines who we are but also, it is a reflection of a chosen perspective too, something we would really want to deal with, something that we have all our efforts to believe in.

Remember that imagination never stops and do not ever think that there are only a handful of directions to a destination, there are more.

And decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. You make the decision and the world has to turn. The consequences unfold out of your hands.