True Love

 And it was surreal, dreamy and magical.

49 days ago, it never occurred to me that I would be able to recognize a special person and have him to be part of my every day until the end of my days. It was back then that I was quite a different person, that when memories return to me, I would simply smile and let go of my old self, and it was amazing how I switched from one pole to the opposite pole.

Last February 4, 2014, I wrote this:

Dear Universe,

I had my doubts that this day would still come. Closing doesn’t really mean surrounding yourself within the walls of the past, rather just being numb with things that would permit pain and suffering. Until one day that one man took a step forward and had the perfect keys to open the doors without breaking it completely.

Perhaps I haven’t found that man yet, or better, I haven’t realized that he already came and he is the one. Lately I’ve been thinking of a person, who I know does not even reach my standards for a boyfriend material, but who am I to judge people, right? When I am with him, all I could have are happy thoughts and crazy conversations. This person was open that a girl was courting him, and inside my head, I was really doubting it until I have read the text messages. He was quite frank that he is not open to relationships and he wants to become a better man, because as he said, he messed up big time. I don’t know what he meant by that.

Unlike my other crushes, I don’t even know the background of this guy. What is clear to me was that there are too many girls surrounding him that he might not be able to recognize me as the one for him, well, I am not even sure of that.

When he held my arm, I felt a sudden rush of blood through my veins. If only I could be someone else. By that I mean, I am in no position to value someone that much especially that I am leading the organization. I am choosing to hold back whatever I am feeling because in the first place, I don’t know where this would lead me. If only I had the guts to enter into that kind of situation, where I would tell him and everybody else how I really feel, then one thorn is down.

On the back of my head, I am seriously not ready. Yes, we are never ready…but this is quite different. Unlike the first and last (for now) relationship that I had, I felt that I am not ready to commit anything at all, not even my time and effort. I am not ready to give up my personal space and share it with someone who has been a stranger to me before I had this weird feeling. I am not yet ready to be stupid once again, to be willing to sacrifice and give everything I know and have for the betterment of another person. I am not yet ready to love. I am not ready because I am afraid, and this I think is quite normal. I am not ready because of so many other reasons, sometimes even reasons I could not even fathom.

Even though sometimes human beings are afraid to love, one thing is for sure, one day in their lives, they will experience love in the most wonderful way that they could not even imagine. That will be the time that they would realize the true meaning of love.

I am looking forward to that. By now, I am really hoping that I could overcome my fears and be able to extend myself to another person and be open to whatever it may bring. I am also hoping that when I will be able to do this, someone will walk to my life and be just the one for me.

If the universe would conspire now, please conspire with a burning heart that would let me meet the one.

I still believe in the goodness of the universe.

Love lots,

Believer

Then, at the dawn of February 23, 2013, it was 1:28 am, I talked to my 20-year old self:

Dearest my 20-year old self,

Hi. You are not doing well, are you? First of all, I do not like your attitude of talking (over chat) to that guy, you know who I am talking about. I do not like that you are asserting yourself, sharing your personality to that guy and letting him know how great or how miserable your life is. I do not like the way you treat him as if he was one of the most important persons in your life. I do not like the piece of your heart opening for that someone. You cannot undo your mistakes, Angela. This is just a reminder, just in case, you would. Please stop talking to that guy, he is no good to you. I am also just reminding you, he is not your type, and he doesn’t even meet any of your standards. I am just worried, you might be opening your heart to a person who does not deserve it. But what the hell, who knows. You have always fallen for the wrong guy.

I am giving you last 2 weeks for this insanity to end. Prepare yourself to be distracted and torn again. I am wishing you luck but I already warned you. Listen once again. He is not the one for you and you are not the one for him, okay? Just remain friends or less than that. Think how your career matters to you than anything else. Be careful. Be careful. BE CAREFUL.

I do not want you talking to that guy, okay. Talk to him but do not get acquainted.

Okay, he will just be one of the people I am ready to lose at any moment, no special attachment. I am sick and tired of thinking about love, now, I will focus on greater things. Petty things do not matter in any way. Part of me begs to disagree but a huge part of me agrees. So, majority wins.

I am sorry but I’ll be a heartbreaker of anyone.

I am choosing to be the type of person whose heart is locked. I won’t consider opening it soon.

Second point. Focus on your finals. FOCUS. THIS IS YOUR LAST SHOT, GIVE YOUR BEST!

Hopeful and praying to love again but actually can’t,

Angela

Two months after that, on May 3, 2014, I talked to the universe like one crazy person:

Dearest Universe,

Why are you so mean to me today? What have I done wrong to you? I can only do so much you know. But I think, this should not be limitless. There are things that I cannot do but you see, I am only human. I bleed when I fall down. Huhu :’(

Lovelots,

Ange

Crazily, one morning, I wrote to him as if I was supposed to really talk to him, I didn’t even had the chance to finish this letter:

May 10, 2014; 9:39 am

Hi.

This is a letter that you’ll only be able to read five or ten years from now. I do know you. From the little facts you say about yourself, I feel that I already know you. I am always excited to hear stories from you like you were the best storyteller of all time. I like the way you smile and tell me weird and silly things. I like the way you make the conversation going like it won’t stop unless we get sleepy or tired for the day that has passed. I never knew I would meet someone as gullible as you are and as hopeless to find his true love.

A day, a week, a month, a year, or a decade from now, you might not even recognize that I was in that tiny bit of your life who was weird, happy and crazy.

-----continue this part

Now, I feel that there are a lot of things going on and I could not tear myself into pieces just to be with someone who I do not even know if he recognizes me. I just want to say that your soul is beautiful like it sprang from the heavens above. Your smile is captivating. Your words are crazy but they make me smile all the time. Can I borrow some of your time? Can I borrow your heart?

But perhaps this is crazy enough, writing to you. I usually do not write for anyone except myself and my family. This world has been terrible to me, you know. I could not even fathom if I could let my heart open again.

Even the past hasn’t survived the barriers of my parents. My father doesn’t care about him (the past). And I am really anxious if you might win their heart. HE didn’t. I don’t know if you can. I believe in you, yes, but to fight for you, you must be fighting for me too.

I do not want to lose this feeling, but I guess, we have our priorities and they are enough. Sooner or later you’re going to leave me hanging and waiting. If we were pen pals, I think I would be waiting for forever just to know your reply. You are amazing, do not forget that. I just don’t want to give myself entirely to anyone right now. I guess, you need to focus on your first job too. I like you. I like you so much but it tears me apart if I ever see you leaving me alone, like all the people who left me alone.

I hope you would understand. I am thinking now if you will be able to care to understand. My mind if full of your face. Now, detaching it. Bye.

P.S. I might be able to talk to you still but I really need to keep my feelings within myself. Less talk, less mistakes. I am just waiting for you to initiate anything about us, but until then, I won’t do it myself like a desperate individual longing for someone to be with her all the time.

I like you. But I need to focus now. Bye!

-Angela

Then, it was succeeded by another letter which I was also not able to finish:

May 11, 2014; 7:04 pm

Dearest you,

I mentioned to a friend something about you. “So there is this guy, I don’ like him and I guess he doesn’t like me either. But happiness springs eternal when we’re talking and it feels heart-warming all the time.” Yes. That is how I feel right now and whenever I am with you or just thinking about you. I do not know if you are a kind of distraction but whenever your image pops out on my mind, I couldn’t think of anything else.

Whenever we share jokes with each other, it is always occurring to me that you are one of those who thinks of getting girls just by saying cheesy lines. Well, I am not. But it makes me crazy every time you are doing that. Is it crazy? Yes. It is insane. I don’t want you to look at me like a desperate girl looking for someone who might be able to love her. I am not like that or so I think. Neither do I want you to look at me like someone who doesn’t even care on anything about you. Is it weird to ask if you could possibly tolerate my foolishness? It is also okay if you can’t. Thank you for having me on that little part of your life. You were one of the very few, maybe you are the only one, who told me that I am “pinakalampang babae”. It stroke me that much that I want to hug you. No, I don’t want to. I may not remember everything that we have talked about but one thing is for sure. I want you to remember me for who I am and who I am not.

---to be continued. I need to study first.

Lovelots,

One crazy girl

Then, after an org event, I wrote this one to the universe:

May 19, 2014; 11:20 pm

Dear Universe,

                And the premonition was right. Now, my little sunshine was out of my way, like the darkest of the days has come and I should have been more than prepared but in reality, I feel a lot more devastated. Is it my fault to lose my little sunshine? Is it my fault to make him uncomfortable with circumstances like that? It is not my fault that someone else likes me. My little sunshine is not talking to me, is it possible that he is affected by those circumstances? Is it possible that he likes me too but someone else likes me, so he must move backwards and let me be with the other person?

                I will not choose. I am not going to, because there are no choices. It is easier to be single. He is not replying on my messages, well, I do not think that he is busy, maybe, he just want to let go of things. I am really affected by this. Can my little sunshine and I not stop talking? Can we not stop sharing our thoughts to each other? Can we not settle for awkwardness and silence? Can we still be friends?

                I guess, I do not have the qualities that my little sunshine is looking for, some reason that he would fight for me. I guess my little sunshine would not be my little sunshine anymore but will still be part of the past. Like anyone else before this, everyone leaves, no one stays forever. I thought of crazy little things which came between us and I was astounded by how every little thing made my day.

                It is now time to forget. It is now time to let go of things that should have mattered until now. It is now time to free my soul of unnecessary feelings, of emotions that would not make my life any better now. I am now the loneliest for my little sunshine has left me. Tomorrow, I will be the brightest and happiest, because I know that God has a reason for everything and soon, I’ll find the right answers. I am just somehow reminded to choose my mind over my heart in these extents.

                Honestly, I like him very much. I never thought I could accept someone like that in my life ever. I never thought that I could be as happy as I am during those times when we are talking. Those moments when I could talk to him, I want to cherish everything. I like everything. I am happy about everything. Now that my little sunshine’s not talking to me anymore, there is no point to continue this, there is no point in showing that he matters to me. There is no point of any communication with him. There is no point in trying so hard to win my little sunshine’s heart because he is not willing to fight for me already, he gave up the moment something took place. It is heart-breaking. It is something I do not want to endure forever. It is something that people do not want to live for.

                I would now give up. It is not worth fighting for. I cried. It is heart-breaking. I cried. It is never-ending. I cried. It hurts so much. I cried and I stopped, because it is not worth it anymore. I hope to see my little sunshine again, but maybe not in the near future. I am afraid to bring back the feelings. Those things are silly and I would rather be with myself.

                Goodbye sunshine. Goodbye to the one I treasured. Goodbye my friend.

With love,

ACAA

I even bid my good bye to him already:

May 20, 2014; 11:08 pm

Dearest Universe,

Hi! How cruel is fate to me that all my worries overlaps with my focus. I hate this feeling of discomfort towards a relationship that does not matter anyway. I don’t like this feeling. I will stop. Let’s see what will happen.

Bye to you, oh little sunshine. Until we meet again. I will stop bothering you. I will stop talking to you. I will cut every line that connects us two. Good bye my little sunshine.

Good bye.

My heart is breaking into pieces again, but I need to bid good bye to you.

Good bye.

With all my heart,

Angela

Then days after we met again, last May 23, 2014, after that one crazy night that we were together and stayed all night with non-stop talking, I wrote this after my birthday, which was also another crazy day when he sang happy birthday to me:

May 28, 2014 | 10:03 pm

Dear Universe,

It seems like everything’s in place for something wonderful to happen. Honestly, even though I am happy with all of the stuff going on with my “love life”, I do not think that I should be putting so much attention to it at this period of my life. I never knew that we could go on like this without anyone noticing. I mean, there is nothing between us, but there is one special connection that holds us. I am not sure where it came from or if it would last. All I know is that, this moment would be remembered forever.

If you are going to my heart,

Please do not tear it apart

For this heart loves truly

A man who will never leave me.

Love,

Angela

And I wrote this unfinished letter to the universe:

June 8, 2014

Dearest Universe,

Three weeks ago, I never thought I would be able to fine that “someone-who-will-stay”. There has been no secrets, no lies, no cover-ups, it was a revelation of oneself towards the other, and I was deeply amazed.

One Friday before the week of my birthday, May 23, 2014, I watched X-Men with my little sunshine. I could not fathom why it is so wonderful and why happiness seems boundless when I am talking to him. He is a close friend and I thought by that time that I would want to keep the friendship. I am not looking for someone at this moment, but if asked, what qualities I am looking for in a guy, I would answer – “someone-who-will-stay”.

The Friday after that was the next #meeting. All I could do when I am with him is be happy and enjoy the spur of the moment. There are things I couldn’t explain still but I guess, it is part of the amazing adventure. After that moment, it struck my heart that I want to be with him for the rest of the days to come and it hurts so much realizing that someone broke his heart before. As we watched another movie, romantic movie, all of the past memories seemed to be hunting me but I am with someone who might possibly change that. I wanted to ask something that moment, but I restricted myself because, I know, deep inside that it is not proper and it might ruin everything, #every-us at that moment.

“If I fall for you, I’ll never recover. If I fall for you, I’ll never be the same.” That was specifically running over my head for quite a while and I asked him the greatest question on our third meeting: “What are we?” Then he answered that the only question he could answer is who am I to him – someone special.

----to be continued!

“Nothing before you counts and I can’t even imagine an after.” <3

Hanging by the moment,

Angela

Then, after a few days, we got closer than what I expected:

June 26, 2014

Something unexpected turned out to be the most magical event of my life. We think that we must only accept the love we deserve, but more than that, we must learn to love first, to reveal our inner self towards another person, to know how to extend our whole being in the name of something inevitable, something out of our control and something we never imagined existed between two individuals before, love. Experiencing this, we are not only discovering more of the other, but we come face to face in the reality of ourselves too. When it takes over to the whole of one’s being, everything changes as if the heavens and earth collided, only the light of new life was seen.

To this person who brought so much happiness to me that I never really imagined beforehand how everything happened, we will conquer the world together, letting love take over our hearts to lead us to understand each other and stay forever. We will be seeing and experiencing more of our lives together. This time, we’re going to prove that true love never fails. Accepting our own mishaps and mistakes, we will be more mature individuals who knows better than their previous selves. We will reach our dreams as we stay on each other’s side to continuously support and maintain the best foundations that we have, trust, honesty and love.

To the universe, I’ll keep every little faith that you will keep us together.

To the higher power, to You, Lord, I will be forever grateful for this blessing. I trust in You. I love You.

Loving more everyday,

Angela <3

And now, on the 12^th of July, I realized that I have not kept all the memories that we were together and I might even forget all of the crazy moments and the first times. Now, deep in my heart, I am amazed. I feel something surreal is happening, especially last night when he visited me. I know that we have other priorities at this moment but I could not possibly get over to the thought that I won’t be seeing him for a long time, yes, even a week seems like a year now. I am assured that we truly appreciate and love each other. Love ruled over my entire soul and I could not get over it, I loved even the feeling of loving and being loved. It is amazing that I am with a person who chooses to have his forever with me and committed to stay forever. I could see everything in his eyes. I could feel everything by just holding his hands. I could fall asleep on his chest while hugging him as if was the most endearing and most comfortable place on earth. I could just stay with him and enjoy every second. I could just look at his face and see forever. As his eyes meet mine, I know, that this love would never die. I could barely detach from these feelings and I suppose, I should not. All of these would be our foundations to keep the love alive every waking day. I trust in this man fully, no regrets, no more holding back, all things would happen with love, and only with love. I would focus on the goodness of every moment and I will just look forward to the days when nothing would be stopping me from being with him every day. It was seriously heart-thumping last night. It was one of those unexpectedly special nights when all I want is to be with a person until the world sets us apart, literally, again. Everything was magical last night. I never thought that these feelings would turn out to be very wonderful and surreal. I will surely miss this man for days, but we promised to stay strong, to be even more mature, and to be the #strongestcoupleever. I would not break what I promised, for I know, this space, too, is reasonable because it was just given to us. I would miss him, his laugh, his humor, his stories, his craziness, his hug and kiss, his whole being. My love should be really greater than my fears now. I felt the same rush on my veins when he first held my arm, once again, last night as if it was a sign that this is the person that I would stay with forever. I will be strong because I know I have to, and because I know that someone is fighting for me too. I love him. I love all of him. I could not explain further, all I know is that his love is true and so is mine.