END the worst and START the best

The day that began and ended it all was yesterday, December 29, 2013.

I guess, romance requires really a hard work to be figured out. All I can do now is write an article to end the worst and start the best. Usually, I have this urge to observe and criticize every relationship that is passing by in front of me but that would be a no-no to anyone. Let’s start picking the worst of memories and start replacing them.

First, there was this guy that I loved, oh, for heaven’s sake, it must have been just a puppy love. Well, so there he is. It was amazing. He is someone who would listen, care and comment on everything that I share. He accepted me for who I am and maybe for what I have become through the years that we spent together. The first time that we held hands was sort of magical. His hands were shaking as if he did something that was very wrong, well, those times at our age, it was truly something prohibited for a girl and a boy. The relationship that we had was not at all a secret to our classmates, some of them liked it, some of them didn’t, and some did not care at all. At the age of seventeen, anyone could easily fall in love and easily fall out of love, but for us, we held on for about four years more but more of that later.

When I see couples, I am torn between two very awkward feelings. One, don’t they have anything else left to do besides wasting their time doing nothing? The other one is to feel very delighted that another couple was struck by cupid and deeply enjoying each other’s company. I have this diary before and I could barely remember everything, only those which really meant a lot to me. There I would write our first dinner, first “date”, and the other firsts. Then there was this picture that I think was kept longer than I could remember, a picture was taken during our second year high school Christmas party. That was our first picture together and his eyes were closed, still, was our first picture together. I certainly love pictures, taking and keeping them. That first picture was very special, for in our young minds, we never really knew we could endure more.

There was also this portrait of me that he sketched when I let him borrow my diary for a few days. There goes the sweet I love you, his signature and the date. Oh how sweet, now I could tear down that portrait but honestly, it was a good one.

Talking like a pro, but no. With this guy, I learned to hide. I learned to hide myself from the judgmental eyes of some acquaintances and relatives. In the mall, we used to eat inside the restaurant where people don’t know us. We also walked together without holding hands, and even walked not beside each other just to avoid the people we know to recognize that we have company other than ourselves who is an opposite sex and might be a controversial boyfriend-girlfriend issue that we don’t like. So, we decided to keep the relationship private as long as no one that we know personally would recognize and label us without our consent.

In the young years of our lives, the Yahoo messenger was very popular and useful especially to see and talk to your loved ones, including platonic loved ones. I used to keep an archive of our conversations, whether it is sweet, bittersweet or just bitter. We also had some fights, but everything seems reconcilable back then. We also used the webcam, supposedly for our parents, but we also used it to see each other and say hi. More than the silly conversations over the web, of course, we are text-mates. We laugh a lot, share sentiments a lot and miss each other a lot, even if there are only two days, sometimes only one day, in a week that we will not be able to see each other, silly, right?

Oh, and can I could also confess the first rose? That was my favourite rose because it is a white rose given by my platonic suitor and it came as a surprise. There is this place called Blue Roze Farm, where we used to go once together and another with company. Those were some happy moments to cherish. It was also my first time to sing something that only one person, a guy, was listening. So, I kept the rose at my back when I entered the house of my grandparents to tell them that I already came back and I will proceed to our house, of course, still hiding the rose as best as I could.

I own three beauty pageant titles during high school, not to boast about it, but I guess, it’s just luck, three times of luck. The first two pageants were without a partner, one for Ms. United Nations 2005 – Ms. Spain and another for a pageant for another organization, I guess it’s for FESO. The third one was the Mr. and Ms. Intramurals 2009. He was my partner and we won the title. What’s funny here is that our talent was to act the scenes of Armando and Betty la fea. I had braces back then and I requested my dentist to make fake upper gums for me to look like Betty. Of course, he came with me to see my dentist and I introduced him as my friend.

Given the above, I had other suitors who gave me presents. I did not ignore them but I am grateful to them for I had never been more in love to prioritize this man over them. I even had one classmate cry just because I chose this man. Those were truly immature moments of our lives.

He was the reason, well apart from my parents, why I pursued the research competition. He was there with me ever since. He was also the reason why I was one of the awardees during the graduation. He was the reason why I could keep on going on every day and doing my best in everything. He was also my crying shoulder. I enjoyed a lot of memories with him. We never got tired of each other, well that was what I thought.

I never knew I would enter such a big university but it just came to me that if it was not for his consent, I would not dare to pursue my studies in such an immense university coupled with an immense amount of tuition and fees and other necessities given that I will also be living another adventure in an alienated place. The first few weeks of college were like the sweetest cakes. We always eat together, we bought groceries together and we went home from school together, that was how clingy we were.

But then, at the eve of the 30^th of July, we had some serious talk over text messages and decided to see one another early in the morning of the 31^st. I just woke up when the guard called and said that somebody’s waiting in the lobby. We talked with our backs leaning on each other at the roof deck. It was the most painful moment in my life, being left by someone who has been there for me for years. It was then when I realized that no one stays forever at your side. Everybody leaves. Maybe, it is for the greater plan. Still, it has been difficult and I cried for days.

That was also the moment when I finally opened up to other people and met new friends. I met my college best friends and they were always there through thick and thin, I guess. The academic life happened. The recreational and extra-curricular life happened. It was wonderful. There is only one thing left mysterious, myself. I found it difficult to trust people. I found it a hassle to share my feelings to other people because I don’t really know who cares. My greatest asset is to listen, but to share my emotions, not quite. I am no good in maintaining good relationships that is why I treat everyone equally. I tend to spend a lot of time at the library, or in the condo, now in the dormitory, at some place where no one recognizes me, I guess, I like to be alone. I cherish every moment when I am with myself and I could think clearly especially when nothing really bothers me.

The third to the last time that the guy and I talked was during my debut. Days before the event, I invited him and told him that he will be one of the 18 candles. He asked if he could be one of the 18 roses, I said, the list is already full. He was the last of the eighteen’s. The crowd cheered for him as if it was the highlight of the event. Then during the overnight/ reunion after the event, he told everyone that he does not love me anymore and we totally grew apart. I just smiled as if I agreed and as if it was nothing to me anymore. That was the moment when he broke my heart twice and crushed it into pieces. I never knew that I guy would say that to me, in front of an audience. He was painstakingly good at that moment that all I could think of was to cry and to shout that I still love him since the day that he left me and now, I could go on with my life without him for my love for him would no longer be true. It was the worst and at the same time the best gift I ever received that day I turned eighteen.

I tried to go on with my life then he still tried to contact me. We watched a movie together and the last time was when we attended the debut of out classmate. After that, I never heard of him anymore, no calls, no texts. So, I proceeded on becoming the usual me. The thing is, I refused on letting people come in my life. Maybe because of that one mistake that I noticed lately. I held on. I constantly held on to the memories, to the fear of my heart being broken again, to mediocrity, to keeping my thoughts to myself, to strangling on to feelings that should have been erased a long time ago. I held on to these and that is the main reason why it feels so hard to love and trust a person again.

Yes. I guess this should not go on for the rest of my life but for the mean time, I could only do so much to change these. I still believe in destiny, fate and I truly trust that the Lord has greater plans for me and someday, he will provide a man who will give me the love that I truly deserve. For now, I need to focus on myself, my future and my loved ones. The other things will follow.