UNSPOKEN

People walk through our lives with reasons not to be revealed unless we dwell with them, reasons unraveled throughout ages, and reasons we never knew ever existed. We often categorize people as to how special they are in our lives yet at times, we fail to show them how we exactly feel towards them. When you already had the perfect place and timing to tell that special person how you feel, you will always regret it yet you cannot blame yourself for not doing such a thing for your own personal reasons.

In this blog post, let me share my first domestic travel. I was not really excited to go to that place, because for me, it was just a form of escape from the places I am very used to, to be a stranger once again. I was with some of my closest friends. Six days of no hustle and bustle. I need not narrate everything that has happened during those days. The most important parts of the vacation were the moments that I had with my special friend. Day one, two, three, up to the sixth day, I felt our closeness as if we have known each other for many years. I treasured each moment with my special friend and made unforgettable memories. For example, on our fourth night in that city, it was my first time to get drunk and it made me feel weak and strong at the same time, I even talked to strangers. I was in my right mind for I know what I was doing. I got tipsy and very dizzy. I don’t know if I should regret it or not. However, somehow, at the back of my mind, I should have made that an opportunity to tell my special friend how “special” he is for me. I should have told him everything that from the first moment I saw him, I already felt something weird in my heart. But I never had the guts to tell him because I was scared that everything would be different from then on and I could never be friends with him anymore. That night might have also changed the way he looked at me, that I was not the same person he knew before. Maybe, he might also think that I always get drunk but honestly, it was my first time and I would not wish for it to happen again.

Those six days were like living a dream with my special friend. This special friend of mine shared his personal secrets also. Another moment was when we were walking together and I was always thinking of looking at him straight to his eyes and telling him all my feelings for him that I have kept for a long time, instead of thinking how I would respond to his questions. I was crazy and even forgot all the other important things. I really love long walks with people talking to me and it was given to me. I guess, I could be with my special friend only in that dream.

In the end, this vacation was not really an escape but it became a moment of splendor and surrealism with my special friend that I would surely never forget. Now, we’re all back to our normal lives and dreaming is not an option anymore. I was thinking that my special friend already know that I have feelings for him because since the first day of the second semester, we hardly talked to each other. It was really awkward for me in one way or another. I am not sure if I’m over thinking about all these things or not, yet I could not hide the feeling of awkwardness when he talks to me. I would like to open up but I just decided to let go. I had my chance to tell him but I wasted it. Maybe, this won’t be a fairy tale with a happy-ever-after ending. Now, I’m really confused about my feelings for my special friend. I would not like to think about it by keeping myself busy but when he’s present, I’m mentally blocked. I must learn to keep my mind over my heart. In the long run, no one could ever tell what would happen. Maybe, it’s best to just do what I am expected to do and not to worry about things that would lead me to nowhere.

Feelings are temporary and I don’t want to mess with them this time. Maybe I held on too tight to my hopes for this unrequited feeling that’s why I’m almost losing what I’m trying to save. This time, it’s not going to be easy, for I would be fighting with myself all the time just to keep awake that the same dream won’t happen again. If he has the same feelings for me or not, I do not care anymore for if that was the case, then we’re both cowards not to let the other person know. I would wrestle with this feeling alone until it’s gone. I would wrestle with it alone. Things kept in the mind and left unspoken would be nothing compared to dust.